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Trigger Warning! tw self hatred: Relationship advice as someone with mental illness and I'm gender questioning

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by wren33, Jan 20, 2021.  |  Print Topic

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  1. wren33

    wren33 Lurker

    Jan 20, 2021
    +1 / 0 / -0
    Hello! I don't fully know where to begin as these struggles have been in my life for around 12 years. Apologies if this is jumbled.
    Since elementary school I've been best friends with the girl I like. I'm 20 and not out to anyone except that best friend, I came out to her when I said I liked her when I was 14. She was accepting and we stayed friends this whole time. In high school it was complicated, she mentioned a few times that she might have feelings for me too but she wasn't sure. I wanted to respect her space, and I was so scared of scaring her away that I never made any move. She ended up dating a girl during the end of high school and in college they broke up because it was a not so healthy relationship. This whole year we have been really close and eventually it slipped out that she liked me still and the whole time she was with this girl she was thinking of me. At first I absolutely couldn't believe it but now thinking back I really can see that being true. The problem is that well there are a lot of problems.
    For one, I spent so long trying to convince myself not to like anyone especially her. My feelings are so numbed and painful and confusing. When she said this I couldn't stop wondering how she likes me at all. I just have so much self hatred, depression, anxiety, and some trauma. I also have gender dysphoria but that is something I can't bear to accept about myself. I'm not sure how to talk about it but it definitely makes it very hard to be confident at all or understand her feelings.
    She said that we act married, and yeah we do. She also said that she thinks we shouldn't date because it'd be unhealthy for us. I think this is because she just got out of a relationship, and I'm not even out or planning on coming out to my family. I was so convinced I'd never love anyone other than her and that she already had someone in her life. I never thought coming out about liking women would be part of my family life. The reason she gave for why it wouldn't be healthy was that she was scared of ever losing me. Although I think these reasons make sense too.
    We are really close. We've never fought with each other either. I tend to isolate myself from others due to my mental illness but somehow I keep letting her in and spending time with her, which causes a lot of inner conflict to me. I've never even kissed anyone, although I've been kissed and ran away. We sleep together but it's only intense cuddling, this is so embarrassing to say but I just am so scared and I haven't been able to do much. I don't know if I'm numb and oblivious and she actually wants me to do things with her or be with her or try. I want to try but she said that she's really fine with whatever is happening between us the way it is. Although she seems to long for me and I just want to be truthful in return.
    I have so much love for her. My life is shrouded in depression and I'm tired of asking her to be patient with me while I try to decipher what she wants. When she confessed recently to liking me she said she thought it was obvious and I felt so confused. I don't want to miss the obvious. I want to know what to do or if I even can do anything, should I try to get better and healthy enough for a relationship that I can tell my family about or is she saying no? She deserves nothing but the best and I'm not even close, I'm hurting so much about it because I just don't want to lose her. She's moving again across the country this time. Even while she was gone in college we were so close. I don't doubt at all that our friendship will stay strongly. I just miss her already and I need to understand this situation because I love her.
    Thank you to anyone who reads this
  2. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Active Veteran
    Moderator Beloved Member

    Mar 5, 2020
    +1,144 / 0 / -2
    Hi Wren<3 It sounds like you've been going through a whole lot the last 12 years=( I'm very sorry to hear all that<3 I did want to offer another perspective though since I have been in your situation, just as the other person (your friend in this case). In 2020, I had been in 2 relationships with 2 different girls, one in the spring, and one towards the end of 2020. I guess i'm kinda still with the later one currently, but we are in an odd place right now to where I don't really know what is going to happen with us ultimately. I am still very close friends with the first girl<3 I loved both girls completely, I was so happy with the both of them. Neither relationship was very long, but that was because they both felt they were not enough for me, that they couldn't give me what I deserved because of their mental health. The first girl especially, I was destroyed after my break up with her, because I truly felt she was the love of my life. I still love her, despite us being with different people now. I myself have anxiety, OCD and some deep insecurities, but both of them had pretty major anxiety, depression and had both been through major traumas. Its not that these things were not existent throughout our relationship, they were, I did know about them very well, but they didn't turn me off about them, at all. I was there for every panic attack and hard night, I would talk them through it or iff they wanted some sort of distraction like me sending music to them or telling them story after story to stop them from crying, I did it without a second thought. I wanted to be there for them, it didn't bother me or make me feel less of them or like they were "too much". I'd never think that. I never wished for something else, I never wanted them to be any more or any less than exactly who they were. Who they were is who I fell in love with. They were always enough for me, I never once felt I was lacking. I knew what they were like, I took them as they were, and I loved them for everything they were. What was hard for me, was them letting me go, being too scared to be with me. Its not that I didn't understand their perspective, I knew where they were coming from, but I didn't agree that I was lacking because I had everything with them. I really did.

    In knowing my story, I know you think you can't be with your friend, that you wouldn't be enough for her, that maybe you'd mess up, just so many things. I KNOW that, but I want you to also think to yourself, maybe the things YOU see about yourself, isn't what she sees. I don't think it is. I think she, like me, loves you for who you are. She doesn't wish you were someone else. She loves YOU, not someone else. That was always true it sounds like. My advice is to try your hardest to not be afraid, if you genuinely want to try and be with her. Don't let the moment pass you by, don't let her or the possibility of you 2 slip away because sure, maybe it won't work, or MAYBE, just maybe, it could be the most wonderful thing you both have ever had. Take it from me, not knowing, not having a real chance, is SO much worse than knowing. I think you should talk to her, the love you have for her is so obvious and I very much understand not wanting to lose her. I would tell her just that, that among a few things, you are also afraid by someday being together, what if you don't work out. You don't want to just not have her in your life because she means the world to you. After that, i'd see where things go<3 I really do wish you the very best. Please keep us updated and if you ever want to talk/be friends, you can always message me<3
  3. Jo A

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

    Nov 22, 2018
    +3,078 / 2 / -1
    First, welcome to a safe and wonderful place and not be judged.

    Second - Long hug filled with love and hope for you.

    I know what self hate is and how hard it is to turn that ship around to where you accept and embrace you are a good person, worthy of love.

    My soulmate and I never made love but we also melted into each other and loved each other unconditionally.

    I wish I could make things better but sorry to say, you got the hard work in front of you.

    Is there a reason you cannot move with her if you are looking at being a couple?

    Keep use posted and updated.

    Thank you - JO

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