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Coming out

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Nmc2g10, Jan 20, 2021.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Nmc2g10

    Nmc2g10 Lurker

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    Hi

    I’m new to this site. Just curious to hear people’s views / experiences of coming out.

    :) 

    much love
     
  2. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

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    Welcome and I came out at age 62.
     
  3. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Active Veteran
    Moderator Beloved Member

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    Hi=) Welcome! I thiiiiink I posted about it somewhere awhile back...Let me try and find it and copy and paste it here for you:
    I started to develop feelings for my best friend when I was in high school, but I didn't fully understand that's what was going on until I was 24. At the time it started happening, it was really hard because we both had feelings for each other that seemed to be of that sort. If you saw our messages to each other back then, you would think it was 2 people in a romantic relationship. We were VERY verbally affectionate and it was very clear we loved each other more than anyone in the world. However, we were terrified of being lesbian or bi because we thought our lives would be destroyed, especially hers coming from a super religious family with her dad as the main pastor. Her family is the figurehead, the example for the entire church so it would have rocked their world big time. My friend told me we have to push those feelings down, to try and ignore them. If we stop thinking and focusing on them, they will go away. They aren't real. Every now and then, she would ask if those feeling for me were dissipating and I would usually lie about it, she would say they were pretty much gone for her. When that happened too, she stopped being verbally affectionate. She stopped calling me sweet names, saying she missed or loved me all the time, now she still does say she loves me, but only once a day before bed. Those feelings didn't go away for me though, and at 24, everything hit me and made sense, I was always in love with her. I told one of my friends that knew both of us and she said "you have no idea how long i've waited for you to say this". She wanted me to tell her, saying those feelings don't just go away, she prob still has them and now that we are adults, we could be together, if even in secret. I thought of telling her, but now i'm glad I didn't because her reaction to me coming out was kind of less than sellar. I had started liking a girl at school so I felt like I had to tell her what was going on, and she said "well I can't really be happy for you or supportive because I spent my entire life thinking that was wrong." She said it didn't change our friendship but that I didn't know how hard me being bi was for her. That was really hard=( She has since gotten a little better, i'm hoping she continue to get better. But anyway, in my case, that experience showed me no, we can't be together ever. It wouldn't work out and in all honestly, maybe that's a good thing. I know she would have had to choose between me and the rest of her life and I don't want her to do that. I also started seeing that there were things, little things, that kind of annoyed me and would be an issue in a relationship, but isn't such a big deal in a friendship. I also feel like if we were to ever break up, who knows if we'd be able to stay friends. I'd rather have her as a best friend forever than risk being romantic with her and possibly losing her. To this day, she doesn't know I had feelings for so long and in time, I started to not really feel that way anymore. I guess after seeing it wouldn't work out, I gave up and moved on, I put all those feelings and attention of that sort on the girl I liked because I felt like had a chance with her. I'm perfectly content now just being her best friend and never more.

    I was very, very lucky with the fact that I have a great support system in my immediate family and friends. I know coming out to families, especially parents, can be incredibly difficult, but mine did really well which wasn't a huge surprise since they have always been very supportive of whatever my sister and I choose to do. I came out to the people in my life at all different times, but all within the first year of finding out myself. The first person I told was my friend Emma and she actually helped me make sense of the fact that I was Bi (I know I talked about that above). I then I told my online friend of 11 years and she had the same reaction as Emma. Then several months went by because I was afraid of anyone else knowing, I didn't know how my family would be. My extended family is very conservative and religious, as is my best friend's family (who is like extended family to me). I figured I wouldn't say anything unless something happened with me. Anyway, fast forward a few months, and I discover I have a VERY real crush on a girl in one of my classes. Things start to progress with her so I figure I need to tell my family now, at least my immediate family. At the time, I assumed she was going to start coming around so they should prob know what's happening. I told each of them when I was alone with them and the "time felt right" in that we were relaxed and there was no tension or anxiety. I told my mom first, in the car on the way home from school. I think I said "I need to talk to you about something. I think I may like girls too, I really like a girl at school". Mom told me she would accept my sister and I no matter what, it didn't matter to her in the least who we were romantically involved with. She also brought up my best friend, so the news wasn't really news for her. I said I worried about our family hating me and she said to not worry, that they would come around. I told my sister a few days later. She was very quiet throughout and seemed a little in shock. She was SO quiet that I asked if she was okay and if she had any questions for me lol. She said she was just surprised but said she wanted to see what the girl looked like. When I told my dad and stepmom, they were a thousand percent fine, they actually had the best reaction. Dad said he would support me 100 percent with whoever I was with and that I was a wonderful, sweet, incredible lady that would find the very best person in the world who would be lucky to have me. I told my best friend last because I was the most worried about her. She prob had the worst reaction of all of them, but it wasn't BAD either. A couple years later, she HAS come around with it, even though I know its hard for her. i'm REALLY thankful for how well she's done actually. To this day, my extended family still doesn't know, nor does my best friend's family, but they will someday. I'm dreading it, but its not going to keep me from following my heart. The whole time i've known my sexuality, I have never been self conscious or ashamed, if anything I feel liberated. I know that this is me, this is who I am, there is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with loving someone. ALL we are saying when we say "I am lesbian", "i am bisexual", "I am pan", we are telling someone the people we love, what is ever wrong with that? Nothing. When we say "I am trans" or "I am nonbinary" we are telling them who we truly are, what's ever wrong with that? Nothing. My parents taught me from a young age, encouraged us to be even more exact, to never be afraid of who we are, to embrace it, to never try to be anything more or less. I know who I am and I am completely 1000 percent fine with who I am, I just wish and hope my family will love me still when they find out because nothing about me has changed. I'm still the same girl they always knew.
     

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